Epiphany

I decided not to wear make-up yesterday. Or today. Or perhaps even ever again. 

I came to the realisation that I don’t actually wear make-up for me, I wear it for other people – I mean, so that other people don’t see my flaws. 

But I don’t actually like wearing make-up - aside from lipgloss, I love a nice shiny lipgloss in a sweet vanilla flavour - and I found out that yesterday, when I went to work without make-up on, everybody treated me the same as they always do – and I know they noticed a difference because two of them pointed out my psoriasis on my forehead to ask me what it was, which was funny because I always thought it was really noticeable all the time even when I wore make-up to cover it up. 

The day went by as normal, my colleagues and I finished work, went to lunch, chatted a little, then we left and I decided I would look around some clothes shops because sometimes I like to see the new Spring colours. So I went in and I saw a top for just 75kr which I thought I'd try on, so I went to the changing rooms, and that's when I caught sight of myself in the mirror: my eyes were all dark and bloodshot, my chin looked like a landmine site, my hair looked straggly, dry, and absolutely dead (I couldn't find a brush this morning!) ....but I looked at myself in the mirror and I said: It's ok, Kallo...It's ok, you've been sick. And no-one ever looks perfect every day anyway…Seriously! I said that to myself! Well, not out loud....But I told myself these comforting words, and I was - sadly - really surprised at how easily I'd bypassed the opportunity pick myself apart for walking out of the door looking like hell. Instead, I just looked at my reflection and said: It's ok...you're alright, Kal...So what!

Afterwards, I got on the train to go home, and on the train the ticket lady walked past me and I smiled at her - I don't really know why - but a proper smile like she was my friend or something and I was surprised to see her, AND she smiled back as she walked past in the same way as if I were her friend or something...And I thought…How funny! I look like this, and she's smiling at me as though I don't look like I have been through a war with my face and lost my hairbrush.

...And suddenly I realised that actually no-one had treated me any differently that day at all: My work colleague still laughed and danced around with me. My other colleague continued making conversations with me about random information and talking forever - I actually enjoy our conversations, but I do worry about getting told off sometimes. The girl who looks like she wants to kill me every time I murder her language by attempting to speak to her in her native tongue still looked at me like she wanted to kill me when I did the same thing again this morning…And despite the fact that I really did look horrific - I have been very unwell this past week - everybody was just the same to me as they are every day, and I thought: What nice people! 

And THEN, on that train ride, I had my epiphany: 

- The way people treat you, or the things people say to you, or the way people judge you because of how you look has actually very little to do with you at all...but it has everything to do with them. -